another milestone of ignorance

I have long asked myself How do you deal with Death? As someone who is trained for ministry and looking at becoming a pastor this has been a subject I've thought about a lot but I've never really had to face it. I've had people who I've known die but never some one close to me. Never someone like this. I know that in the death of Christ the sting of death is removed but that doesn't solve the pain that comes with death. Especially when it comes to those that aren't submitted to the Death of Christ. What do you say as you race down the road knowing that death awaits the destination. What do you say when the only sounds you hear are those accompanied by tears. How do you speak Christ into that situation when you can't speak yourself. And how do you comfort those when you aren't certain that the relief of Heaven awaits.
My Grandfather died today. I have the great honor of doing the service...little did I know that my first funeral would be my grandfather's...and that I'd be 24.

Spontanous Thought

Ignorant men don't know what good they hold in their hands until they've flung it away. – Sophocles (496 BC-406 BC)
This is my random quote of the day from my quote of the day application. I really like it. There have been many good quotes to come along from this little app; but this is by far my favorite so far. I like it because it rings very true in my life. I'm trying not to be the ignorant man throwing away the good things. As I continue to make big life decisions and make choices where one thing is picked over another...like life in the states versus life in the Czech Republic I don't want to throw away good things by making poor hasty decisions. I don't want to fling away good relationships because of I'm not patent enough or trusting enough to pursue them. I don't want to give up good for convenience.
It doesn't just echo inside of me in terms of being the ignorant one but also in the one who picks up the discarded good. For those that now my romantic interest you can see how being the man who picks up the good can be important. Unfortunately when the good an ignorant guy has discard is a girl there tends to be a lot of hurt in her heart. I'm struggling with this. I'm struggling with allowing her space and time to heal, with how it is that our lives are going line up over the next few years and I'm struggling with feeling like I'd have to choose her over being a missionary. And I know that if she read this she'd be angry that I feel this way.

Look up?

During my whole time in the Czech Republic I had this struggle with God over hearing his voice about my future there. So during my last week I decided to go to a café and with my journal and reread all the things I had written since the first summer I went to the Czech Republic hoping that it would spark some communication. So I settled into my corner booth with my hot chocolate and journal and waited. The picture isn’t the exact thing I saw but it gives you some idea of the setting. I’ve written the things I heard as a script. (You may want to act this out. If so I suggest you find a good looking young man to play the part of Jerry to make the situation as close to real life as possible.)

Jerry: Dear God please speak to me.
(After some time of reading his Journal at a café Jerry hears this)
God: Look up.
Jerry: What?
God: Look up.
Jerry: What, God I don’t get it.
God: L-O-O-K U-P.
Jerry: Look up, why.
God: Jerry! Just LOOK UP!
Jerry: Ok, ok. (looks up from his journal)
God: What do you see?
Jerry: Czech people…?
God: What do I see?
Jerry: People how are dying…
God: What else?
Jerry: People who need love…
God: Exactly now what are you going to do about it?
Jerry: Love them…Die with them…
God: Good boy. What don’t you see?
Jerry: Me…?
God: Exactly! Stop looking at yourself; your needs, your problems, your struggles. Look at these people, love these people!

The Hard Goodbyes

At one point in my life good byes meant nothing to me. I had to say to many of them in my young life and I just stopped feeling. It was an out of sight out of mind survival instinct. Then God did something amazing. He made me feel again. Over the past month I've said many good byes. Some easier than others but none of them have been with out emotion. I've cried more than I'd like to say. Tomorrow begins the last round of goodbyes. The really hard ones. The people I've come to love as family. Just thinking about tomorrow night and Friday morning makes my eyes water. I don't know how I did it once, as much as I hate doing this I'd never want to go back to being that empty person.
The funny thing is all these good byes are just temporary. I've taken time today to prepare myself for these goodbyes. I've written notes and cried and prayed for these people but I know that I will see them again. I know for many it will be just a few short months before we embrace at the airport, this time in greeting instead of parting. For others I'm not sure when that will be again but I know that the days, months or years that pass will be only a small fraction of the eternity that we'll spend together.
And yet I can't keep myself from crying.

a promise that speaks volumes

This morning I was reading in Mark 10 and I was struck by the promise he speaks to his disciples.

29I tell you the truth," Jesus replied, "no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel 30will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life.

Over the last few months I've struggled with the lack of a home, friends and family. The last few years have been a world wind adventure that brought me far from my family and into a land where I'm alone like I've never been before. Up until the last few weeks this was crippling until God started to speak. He challenged me to set my eyes on him and to begin to live this life as if Heaven was a reality. If Heaven is real and as great as we say it is than everything in this world is simple a shadow of it. Homes, family, friends the all are just a fraction of its glory. He challenged me to not look at the lack of a home but to instead see the abundance of homes he has given me as well as the family and friends that come with those things.
This morning I was walking through this city and struggling with my little remaining time here. As I'm looking straight into the face of some of the hardest goodbyes from the last months I needed something from God. He gave me this verse to remind me.
This place has become a home and there are family and friends that I'm not excited about leaving but I know that part of the joy of this missionary life that I now get to live is that I have an abundance of all these things and one day I'll have Heaven where all of these places come together.
The love comes with the suffering in this life but in the next there is just joy.

Do you know what today is boys and girls?

Today is a very special day here in the CZ it is Mikuláš day or as you may know him Saint Nick. I love today. It is like a mixture of Halloween and Christmas. There are parades and candy as well as angles and demons. It marks the beginning of the Christmas season here.
As I was watching the news I saw a Mikulas in a hospital handing out gifts to children and a big check to the hospital. This brought back memories of watching news footage of Santa doing the same thing in the US. I was shocked at how similar the two events were and at once it felt like home yet extremely foreign.
I got to participate in the events by receiving some chocolate and partaking in some delicious apple dumplings. Dad this is for you. I love Christmas time!

Check this out for more fun:
http://www.stnicholascenter.org/Brix?pageID=84

Photo from the Orco Foundation

A servant at heart?

Over the past few months God has been teaching me many things but they all seem to relate to one theme. That theme is being a servant. If you read my second to last post you can see some of those thoughts and frustrations.
I've realized over these past few months that I hate being a servant. It doesn't come easy to me. Nothing inside of me delights or desires to be a servant, especially as an American. I despise the thought of giving up my freedom to make my own decisions. To give up...my control. The chance to make good or bad decisions, and to own the outcome. To work for myself and reap the reward.
BUT I'm a servant! That means I don't get to make decisions. I don't work for myself. I don't get to keep my wage. And nothing is mine, it all belongs to my master. My goals, my plans, my desires they all belong to him.
I'm tempted to cry the line of the third servant,(previous post)that my master is a hard man and that he has no right. This is a ridiculous charge because the master owns everything. Everything sowed is his to reap. All of my desires, my plans they are given by him and therefore his to fulfill or take. There is a comfort in knowing that He is the one in control. When I look into the future and see nothing I know that its ok he has a plan and I don't need to be overwhelmed.
There is also this cool thought that as a servant all that I am is tied to my master. My identity is wrapped up fully in him. I'm a servant of the Most High God.
Some days my servant hood is easy on my shoulders, after all the yoke of Christ is light, and other days it burdens me. It forces me into submission, God forces me into submission. I'm learning to embrace this servant hood so I can be a good servant.