The secret of my success

These last few weeks I've had the chance to observe a lot of people; my classmates, the hundreds of other people at the training center, the kids that participated in WOW and the other people I've encountered around Dallas. I was reminded about how important confidence is. This week was the week we took the first of our three test for dispatch training. Our instructor was saying that on average a person will drop 10 points on the test from their practice test scores. I've never really understood this occurrence. I don't really understand how someone can do worse simply because its a test. I've tried to understand it and reason it out and the best I can come up with is that its a confidence issue. Which means it ultimately an identity issue. I'm a firm believer that confidence is directly linked to our identity. Watch how people carry themselves. I bet you'll find that the ones the carry themselves with the most confidence are the firmest set in their identity. I feel like this is a good point to make a side note talking about true confidence and weak confidence that is usually covered up by loud boasting. Its important not to confuse the two.
With all this talk of Lebron James its really funny to see how people describe him and as good as he is there is always some one to point out that he isn't a champion. Scoring titles, MVP, the King, the second coming of Jordan....no NBA titles. Its a unique study watch his reaction to all this. To watch him and his carefully crafted image and his identity all revolve around his lack of championships. Even know the only question any one is asking about him is how many titles will Miami win?
So as I sat around in a little room for 5.5 hours with this big test on my mind. 5.5 hours of waiting that shouldn't have happened. 5.5 extra hours of pressure and anxiety. I slept. I actually became more calm as the time passed. As every one was talking about how this must really effect you and totally ruins your day. I just sat back and smiled. Not because I knew the stuff. Not because I had some extra study time. I just sat there a thought of what defines me.
I will never lack confidence because I am defined by God's love for me. My Identity as a child of God, a co-heir with Christ, and a victor over the enemy will always mean more than my test scores, my looks, my performance...you name it.
I guess that is why people that lack confidence move my heart.

How could I forget

I'm not generally a forgetful guy. In fact when it comes to useless trivia I'm a wellspring of information. No matter how similar to a still trap my mind is I forget things. We all do, its normal. Forgetfulness is part of the human condition. This is why we have sticky notes, alarm clocks and calendars or for some people strings on their fingers. I personally prefer the Memento method. (interesting movie!)
I forget to take out the garbage or to sort the recycling. Some times I forget to wash behind my ears. From time to time in the shower I forget if I've washed my hair...which means double shampoo usage luckily I don't use much cause I hardly have any hair. I'll tell you a secrete, shhh come closer, I occasionally forget to lock my car door. But these are little things we all forget little things.
It was recently that I realized I had forgotten a Major thing, a life changing thing. I forgot about the joy of following Jesus. I forgot about the joy that comes with all the promises of grace and forgiveness. Its crazy I know but some where in the daily grind of life mixed with all the questions and doubts I lost track of the simple joy that comes from being forgiven.
I realized this during of time of worship here are the two songs that brought me back may they remind or entice you of joy. I recommend ignoring the video and focusing on the sound.

a lonely place I stand

I sometimes wonder about Christianity. I look at my life and wonder how it has changed me. I look at my day to day existence and wonder how it impacts my day. On the days I'm really introspective, or just have too much time on my hands, I compare different religious philosophies. The thing that I keep coming back to is forgiveness. I'm constantly in grateful awe of it, I find no other way to express myself toward the promise and fulfillment of the forgiveness of God. But that isn't what I'm writing this about. This isn't about the need for forgiveness or the joy that it brings. This is about the command to do like wise.
As I strive toward this model, giving this depth of forgiveness, I find myself...alone. I don't mean alone as in there is no other person on this road or as good at doing this as I am. I find myself in a strange empty place because it is counter-cultural to everything I want to do. Yet my heart is compelled from a deep conviction that this is the only way. I'm convinced that one of the most suicidal things you can do is live a life of forgiveness.
I've watched many people dear to my heart struggle with forgiveness with out knowing it because they don't get it...or maybe the do and just can't bring themselves to that point.
I've been learning that to truly forgive, like the God model, angers people, it frustrates and bewilders people. Its hard and its painful. If you don't carry the conviction of pursuing the model of God than it makes absolutely no sense.
It is a lonely place to let the pain you feel pass with out making a note. It is a lonely place to not seek retribution for a wrong. It is a lonely place to maintain a relationship instead of cutting your losses.
It is a lonely place but "God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." "Forgive as the Lord forgave you. "

It would be so much easier if Forgivness didn't come with a cross...I think that's the point.

Random Note

Ok so here is a random note on my life. Sorry I've been inactive for awhile...really I plan to change that.
So I was watching the NFL draft and some thing happened that I thought was really cool.
http://www.tonic.com/article/steelers-fan-announces-teams-first-pick-nfl-draft/
With all the craziness in the world and the things that make you scratch your head and wonder how is this happening its cool to see something cool like this happen. I mean I saw a kids dream come true.That is so awesome.

Thoughts of the day

Today I was stripping wallpaper, which means lots of time to think about whatever crosses my mind which happened to be a lot today. I decided that instead of giving an individual post to all the thoughts I had and therefore not actually getting to anything beyond my first post. As I was stripping I happened to also be rocking out to the old school band Rage Against the Machine. Yes i do realize how dated the are and therefore dates me and yes I know that some of you probably have no idea who they are or think that choosing their music may be a questionable choice. This leads me to my first thought.

• Man can they rock! Seriously I don't think I can remember that last time I enjoyed just rocking out so much. Between the thundering bass and drums to Morello's amazing and inventive guitar playing lies the rage filled, politically incendiary, sometimes expletive laden lyrics of Zack de la Rocha. Seriously if you missed the boat or forgot how much they rocked I recommend checking them out preferably at a high volume. Beware you just might be offended.
• As I was rocking out to Rage I realized something. As a Jr. Higher when I first started listening to Rage I had no idea of there political lean. Really I just knew they rocked. Later on I realized more of the political bent but even then not the full extent. As I listened today for the first time...well for what seemed like the firs time. I realized just were they stood. The next thought made me laugh cause, frankly, I don't think they'd like it. I'm also sure they wouldn't enjoy the above picture. Anyway I realized through their music that I love America. Only in America would a socialist leaning group be able to bad mouth the history of the country, condemned its political system and bash its capitalist way of life all while making having 2 albums reach number 1 on the charts, appearing on MTV and all around making tons of money off suburban kids spending the money of their rich parents with out caring about "wage slaves", the EZLN or the union. In fact most of the kids that rocked out to Rage probably wanted to one day make millions on the stock exchange. I know because I was one. All that to say I love the freedom America gives. I love it with its faults and imperfections because I know of no other place that gives as much freedom. Honestly do you?
• Some where among all that I started thinking about support raising. Oh support raising how I hate asking other people for money. I thought about our economy and how its pretty much just a giant system of support raising. Really it's people giving money to some one else which they then use to provide for themselves plus cover the cost of what ever it is they are doing. I mean really all I'm asking is that they support me like they would Walmart, Applebee's or the boy that mows their yard. The trick to it is making people think that my cause, essentially me, is worth spending their money on or at. Its just a lot more personal than a faceless corporation.

Wow that is a lot of words...I'm sorry. Thanks for listening.

Its easy to ask when you know the answer.

On a cold, wet night on the beginning of the new year I took her out to dinner. 2 hours and 30 minutes later I was kneeling in the cold wet sand on a desolate, moon-lit beach. I heard the words "will you marry me?" come out of my mouth and as I waited for her to respond time froze.
I thought back to when I first say her in the front of the auditorium at Moody. She was hard not to see, that's a lie she was surround by tall white guys hidden like a bush in a forest. She was hard not to notice, a short, brown ball of energy, dancing and laughing with all the boy's glee club around her. That was a few years before we meet.
My mind fast forwarded through our days sharing meals, laughing, talking, stabbing fruit. Me listening to her vent about her boy problems. Her flirting with me about being her answer to those problems. Me flirting back in an awkward Czechlish accent.
I thought of our time at JSB and how I regretted not being the date she really deserved cause although I enjoyed her company I wasn't exactly stoked to be there with her. But She looked amazing and we did have a really good time.
I thought back to almost a year ago and how I pulled of an amazing prank on her that not only worked so well it almost made her cry but unknowingly would effect the rest of my life. I still love that prank, it make me laugh in my sleep.
I thought about the time that followed the hours spent chatting or on the phone. The through the night marathon calls that at first just happened by accident. And resulted in one phone ending up in the hot tub.
I thought about last spring and our first date. Running to Dunkin' in the rain, and a park bench by the fountain. On May 26th in a Chicago airport on my way to Czech for 11 weeks I made what was the best decisions of my life at what could have been one of the worst times to make it.
My mind traced back to August 18 when after months of dating I'd finally get to see my girlfriend. I thought about all the dates we had since then (3) and the all the hellos and goodbyes at the airports that were talking their toll and how gloriously there days were soon to come to an end.
I thought about all the family craziness and how this was the easiest decision I ever made. Really by far the easiest, this coming from a guy who decides what shirt to ware by finding the semi-clean one from the day before on the floor.
then she said
"yes."

O Holy Night

O Holy Night Lyrics

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of the dear Savior's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the Soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born;
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!

Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
His power and glory ever more proclaim!

The line that really gets me in this song is the part about the soul feeling its worth. How awesome is it that our value is clearly seen by the sacrifice of God or better put the rescue of God. I feel like that whole first stanza does a great job of summing up life and the response to God.
Sometimes at look at the Church and where we are at and my heart falls. How far have we come from love, peace, freedom, thankfulness, forgiveness. I listen to preachers, congregates, media outlets all speaking from the voice of Christianity and it seems like all they want is more. And I don't mean more glory for God.
spend Less, give More, love All, Worship Fully