The new 52 #13 (yes its still a thing)

This is a something I just wrote for Melissa. In the process of forging one life out of two friction happens. In these I need to be reminded just how much I need and love my wife. She is a treasure I don't deserve. She doesn't even know about it because she is sleeping in the other room. Its going to be a little surprise in the morning. I'm sorry baby.

When I said “I do” what I really meant to say is

I'll do my best to give you my all.

I'll sacrifice myself so that you won't have too.

I'll do all I can to provide for us.

I'll fight for this marriage in-spite of myself.

I'll say I'm sorry as soon as it hits me I need to.

I'll say I'm sorry a lot but mean it every time.

I'll set you up for success.

I'll take the blame for failing.

I'll sleep in the guest room because you need space.

I'll grovel at you feet when I forget to treat you with respect.

I'll need forgiveness daily.

I'll push the limits of your grace.

I won't every get being married figured out.

I'll love you more today than yesterday.

The Right Fit. The New 52 #2

I have often thought about life as a puzzle. In this puzzle we are the pieces, and we run around tying to find the right fit. Imagine dumping one of those 5,000 piece puzzles out and trying put it together blind fold. You couldn't start with the edge pieces because you couldn't find them. You couldn't look at the picture as a reference to make sure that things were progressing as needed. You couldn't even be able to tell if all the pieces were right side up or on the table. Sounds chaotic and difficult if you ask me, some would even say it is impossible.
No imagine talking all of those pieces and giving them to 5,000 people, one piece a person. How long would it take to but that puzzle together? No picture, no borders just pieces; how would you start? Where would you start?
This is life. This is life together lived in community with others.
We walk around with our piece. We use our desires and feelings to define our edges. We look at friends and relationships trying to find the perfect fit. We take our pieces to work placing them into the scope of the company making sure our pieces fit just right, or at least well enough that it can be managed. Sometimes we fit into a spot we find thinking its perfect but after time and close examination we see were there is a slight gap between our notch and the others groove or we see that the other is the mountain peak and we are the reflection in the lake and we move on. Yet still sometimes we find a piece and we know its spot is close at hand but we just can't make sense of it yet so we but it some where close by waiting for the picture to become more clear.
That's what happened to Melissa and I. After stepping out in faith believing that this was going to be the year that pieces fell into place. This was the year that we were going to move forward, raise support for the mission field, and figure out where we were headed for the at least the next couple years. We were told that we really like your pieces, we really want your pieces but we just can't see where they fit right now.
So here we are almost a year later. Almost a year after committing to journey to Czech , to put life a hold and explore something new, to press our pieces together and see if there was a fit. We are left with the same pieces, in the same places, with the same mismatches trying to figure out were we fit in now.

Coming to terms

Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. – Oscar Wilde

This was the Random quote of the day on my blog and while I didn't intend on writing on the topic I was so struck by this quote and a few other events of the day that this blog happened as a result.
I have to reactions to Wilde's statement. The first is simple. I love my parents. I only hope that the understand the depth of love I have for them, how honored I am to be there son. I feel like I fail to comunicate the depth of respect I have for them and the sacrafices they made to give me the upbringing I had. I think that I can never express my thankfulness to them to make the hard decisions I couldn't and doing with out so my immaturity and appetites could be appeased. I am beginning to understand that not only is this what love is about but also the struggle of being some ones child/parent. On one hand as a parent there is no end to sacrifice and no true way to be thanked. On the other there is no way that I as a son can every really give back or even begin to thank my parents for what they have done. My only hope is that by carrying on the cycle my parents might understand how much they mean to me and how proud I am to be their child.
The second thought is along the same vein but relates to how we view God. Justin McRobets (a long time favorite) has long challenged my through his writing to set in the tension between a sovereign good God and the evil that is rampant on the earth. (Check out his blog. The link is on the right! Just right click and open in a new tab.) That and for some reason Ellie Wiesel's writings came to mind. His story is a great and remarkable one but for this instance its his journey of faith that is the most pertinent. He begins life as a good Jewish boy devoting his life to the Torah and then the "night" happens and it is a long journey from despair and judgement. His memoirs are a great read.
I've learned that first stage of reconciling the "problem of evil" is that God no more needs my forgiveness then he does my permission. Because forgiveness implies that I am owed some reconciliation that I have some authority to judge. This brings me back to sitting in the tension of a good God and a broken world, sitting with a frustrated, angry and broken heart.
If I ever get past the first step I'll let you know.

another milestone of ignorance

I have long asked myself How do you deal with Death? As someone who is trained for ministry and looking at becoming a pastor this has been a subject I've thought about a lot but I've never really had to face it. I've had people who I've known die but never some one close to me. Never someone like this. I know that in the death of Christ the sting of death is removed but that doesn't solve the pain that comes with death. Especially when it comes to those that aren't submitted to the Death of Christ. What do you say as you race down the road knowing that death awaits the destination. What do you say when the only sounds you hear are those accompanied by tears. How do you speak Christ into that situation when you can't speak yourself. And how do you comfort those when you aren't certain that the relief of Heaven awaits.
My Grandfather died today. I have the great honor of doing the service...little did I know that my first funeral would be my grandfather's...and that I'd be 24.

1+1=2 but how?

My friend had a really great idea once. It was about how we classify each other. Before you finish your undergrad program it is all about age and level of school. Post undergrad it is about relational status. ie Single or Married. It seems like post college this is what most defines us, until we become seniors that is, for most of your lives we are defined primarily by if we have a spouse or not. It was a great thought. This is a follow up thought to that.
All my life pursuing a relationship has been very easy. The girl of my affections has always been close. She has been a girl in the neighborhood, or at school. Seeing her and interacting with her was easy. We always had a common bond. Even during the colleges years we'd come home to each other or see each other at school but that is not the case any more. In the new post-college life, where the only common denominator is the fact we want a relationship with the other person, how is it done.
How am I to build a full relationship with a romantic interest. For some this is easy you got the co-worker relationship or you happened to meet someone around town and so you have those things in common. I'm talking about the girl you meet your last semester or while traveling.
There is the long distance thing but that is hard and you can develop habits that are hard to break. It is hard to have a close relationship when you are used to having a distance one. Not to mention the out of sight out of mind struggle. Its also hard to really know how the relationship will really work when you don't get to really have life together.
There is the whole relocating thing but what if that doesn't work. You move to this place to be close to someone only to find it didn't work out and now you are stuck there.
Seriously how do you do this?