a lonely place I stand

I sometimes wonder about Christianity. I look at my life and wonder how it has changed me. I look at my day to day existence and wonder how it impacts my day. On the days I'm really introspective, or just have too much time on my hands, I compare different religious philosophies. The thing that I keep coming back to is forgiveness. I'm constantly in grateful awe of it, I find no other way to express myself toward the promise and fulfillment of the forgiveness of God. But that isn't what I'm writing this about. This isn't about the need for forgiveness or the joy that it brings. This is about the command to do like wise.
As I strive toward this model, giving this depth of forgiveness, I find myself...alone. I don't mean alone as in there is no other person on this road or as good at doing this as I am. I find myself in a strange empty place because it is counter-cultural to everything I want to do. Yet my heart is compelled from a deep conviction that this is the only way. I'm convinced that one of the most suicidal things you can do is live a life of forgiveness.
I've watched many people dear to my heart struggle with forgiveness with out knowing it because they don't get it...or maybe the do and just can't bring themselves to that point.
I've been learning that to truly forgive, like the God model, angers people, it frustrates and bewilders people. Its hard and its painful. If you don't carry the conviction of pursuing the model of God than it makes absolutely no sense.
It is a lonely place to let the pain you feel pass with out making a note. It is a lonely place to not seek retribution for a wrong. It is a lonely place to maintain a relationship instead of cutting your losses.
It is a lonely place but "God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." "Forgive as the Lord forgave you. "

It would be so much easier if Forgivness didn't come with a cross...I think that's the point.

Random Note

Ok so here is a random note on my life. Sorry I've been inactive for awhile...really I plan to change that.
So I was watching the NFL draft and some thing happened that I thought was really cool.
http://www.tonic.com/article/steelers-fan-announces-teams-first-pick-nfl-draft/
With all the craziness in the world and the things that make you scratch your head and wonder how is this happening its cool to see something cool like this happen. I mean I saw a kids dream come true.That is so awesome.

Thoughts of the day

Today I was stripping wallpaper, which means lots of time to think about whatever crosses my mind which happened to be a lot today. I decided that instead of giving an individual post to all the thoughts I had and therefore not actually getting to anything beyond my first post. As I was stripping I happened to also be rocking out to the old school band Rage Against the Machine. Yes i do realize how dated the are and therefore dates me and yes I know that some of you probably have no idea who they are or think that choosing their music may be a questionable choice. This leads me to my first thought.

• Man can they rock! Seriously I don't think I can remember that last time I enjoyed just rocking out so much. Between the thundering bass and drums to Morello's amazing and inventive guitar playing lies the rage filled, politically incendiary, sometimes expletive laden lyrics of Zack de la Rocha. Seriously if you missed the boat or forgot how much they rocked I recommend checking them out preferably at a high volume. Beware you just might be offended.
• As I was rocking out to Rage I realized something. As a Jr. Higher when I first started listening to Rage I had no idea of there political lean. Really I just knew they rocked. Later on I realized more of the political bent but even then not the full extent. As I listened today for the first time...well for what seemed like the firs time. I realized just were they stood. The next thought made me laugh cause, frankly, I don't think they'd like it. I'm also sure they wouldn't enjoy the above picture. Anyway I realized through their music that I love America. Only in America would a socialist leaning group be able to bad mouth the history of the country, condemned its political system and bash its capitalist way of life all while making having 2 albums reach number 1 on the charts, appearing on MTV and all around making tons of money off suburban kids spending the money of their rich parents with out caring about "wage slaves", the EZLN or the union. In fact most of the kids that rocked out to Rage probably wanted to one day make millions on the stock exchange. I know because I was one. All that to say I love the freedom America gives. I love it with its faults and imperfections because I know of no other place that gives as much freedom. Honestly do you?
• Some where among all that I started thinking about support raising. Oh support raising how I hate asking other people for money. I thought about our economy and how its pretty much just a giant system of support raising. Really it's people giving money to some one else which they then use to provide for themselves plus cover the cost of what ever it is they are doing. I mean really all I'm asking is that they support me like they would Walmart, Applebee's or the boy that mows their yard. The trick to it is making people think that my cause, essentially me, is worth spending their money on or at. Its just a lot more personal than a faceless corporation.

Wow that is a lot of words...I'm sorry. Thanks for listening.

Its easy to ask when you know the answer.

On a cold, wet night on the beginning of the new year I took her out to dinner. 2 hours and 30 minutes later I was kneeling in the cold wet sand on a desolate, moon-lit beach. I heard the words "will you marry me?" come out of my mouth and as I waited for her to respond time froze.
I thought back to when I first say her in the front of the auditorium at Moody. She was hard not to see, that's a lie she was surround by tall white guys hidden like a bush in a forest. She was hard not to notice, a short, brown ball of energy, dancing and laughing with all the boy's glee club around her. That was a few years before we meet.
My mind fast forwarded through our days sharing meals, laughing, talking, stabbing fruit. Me listening to her vent about her boy problems. Her flirting with me about being her answer to those problems. Me flirting back in an awkward Czechlish accent.
I thought of our time at JSB and how I regretted not being the date she really deserved cause although I enjoyed her company I wasn't exactly stoked to be there with her. But She looked amazing and we did have a really good time.
I thought back to almost a year ago and how I pulled of an amazing prank on her that not only worked so well it almost made her cry but unknowingly would effect the rest of my life. I still love that prank, it make me laugh in my sleep.
I thought about the time that followed the hours spent chatting or on the phone. The through the night marathon calls that at first just happened by accident. And resulted in one phone ending up in the hot tub.
I thought about last spring and our first date. Running to Dunkin' in the rain, and a park bench by the fountain. On May 26th in a Chicago airport on my way to Czech for 11 weeks I made what was the best decisions of my life at what could have been one of the worst times to make it.
My mind traced back to August 18 when after months of dating I'd finally get to see my girlfriend. I thought about all the dates we had since then (3) and the all the hellos and goodbyes at the airports that were talking their toll and how gloriously there days were soon to come to an end.
I thought about all the family craziness and how this was the easiest decision I ever made. Really by far the easiest, this coming from a guy who decides what shirt to ware by finding the semi-clean one from the day before on the floor.
then she said
"yes."

O Holy Night

O Holy Night Lyrics

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of the dear Savior's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the Soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born;
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!

Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
His power and glory ever more proclaim!

The line that really gets me in this song is the part about the soul feeling its worth. How awesome is it that our value is clearly seen by the sacrifice of God or better put the rescue of God. I feel like that whole first stanza does a great job of summing up life and the response to God.
Sometimes at look at the Church and where we are at and my heart falls. How far have we come from love, peace, freedom, thankfulness, forgiveness. I listen to preachers, congregates, media outlets all speaking from the voice of Christianity and it seems like all they want is more. And I don't mean more glory for God.
spend Less, give More, love All, Worship Fully

O come, O come, Emmanuel

O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny
From depths of Hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'er the grave
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

This originally grabbed my heart as I was studying Hebrew a few years ago. During that time I began to see, enjoy, love and come to embrace the foundations of Christianity found in The Old Testament. I started to see this New Testament faith through the eyes of the ancient Hebrew faith in a fresh new way, namely a fuller understanding of a Messiah. This song makes me at once stand in awe of the ancient advent we celebrate and long with all my being for the future advent to come. Just read it's robust lyrics. It begins with the hope of returning home from the exile then includes themes of freedom for the oppressed and ends with the rejoicing of light and truth. Its basically the summation of all the promises of the future reign of the King. It is the longing of advent put into words.

http://www.adventconspiracy.org/

I heard the Bells on Christmas Day

This is the first of the song post. This song kills me with its gently reminder that in a dark world all is not lost. That is watching and there will come a time when all wil be made right.

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

I thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head:
"There is no peace on earth," I said,
"For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men."

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead, nor doth he sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, good will to men."

Till, ringing singing, on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime,
Of peace on earth, good will to men!

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